Today I was looking at some odd emails, he use to send me those stupid joke emails all the time. Half the time I wouldn't read them or I would only read half of them but for some odd reason I never deleted them. I am so happy that I didn't delete them, I've spent the better part of today reading through them and laughing.
Please if you are easily offended don't read them or read them and don't get mad at me.
I got some of these funny stories in several emails...they all made me laugh so I thought I would share them with all of you.
Wrong Bitch:
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The war weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired" She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"
Burglary In Florida:
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.' (That's the way the police report described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, 'that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.'
Later,
Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the
burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude.
She died three years ago.' The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse
of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's
doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's
ashes remained. Scotch taped to the box was this note which
said:"Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we
snorted your sister. No
hard feelings. Have a nice day."
hard feelings. Have a nice day."
land of fruits, nuts, and flakes!
Only In America: Not really as funny but is the truth.
Only
in America .......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ........do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America .......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....(I just want to make you think)
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?Irish Coffee:
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. Give him an 'IrishViagra'.
It' s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee, he won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
A week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!... Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? ........What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cup and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn'tgood?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show my face in 'McDonalds' again!
Gun Safety: (This is an old interview).
Guns don't kill people. People with moustaches kill people...
Best comeback line (On Gun Safety)
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went momentarily silent and the interview ended.
Hope you enjoyed the laugh, if you are offended I apologize.
Over and out,
A Engineer in the Kitchen
